Way too close...

Well hello there blog world.  It has been a little over 2 years  since I have written a blog post.  I started this blog when I found out I was pregnant with Harper (encouraged by my California friends) and blogged consecutively for 5 years.  Phew..that was a long time.  I stepped away from writing and will share another time why that happened.  I have been feeling the itch to write again lately and it took me until this past Sunday to feel the absolute need to write things down about the events that unfolded.  I could easily write them in a journal for only my eyes, but I feel the need to share with you.  I share this story and myself with you because I am a firm believer that we belong to each other and with that comes learning and growing through our stories.  I learn from you and I hope that you do the same through me.

Sunday evening an event happened that was horrific.  The kind of thing that happens and it punches you in your gut leaving you standing there winded and unable to breathe.  The kind of thing that happened and left me sick to my stomach for hours going down the dreaded path of "what if." The kind of thing that happens where you realize seconds matter. Freakin seconds matter.  I get to share a happy outcome and for that I am extremely grateful.  I know there are a lot of other people in this world who are aching and grieving from similar situations and I take time to pray for those children & their families. I can't even imagine.

At 5pm on Sunday, my little Livy Jade was inches & a half second away from getting hit by a car.  I understand that kids run into the street because they are unaware of their surroundings and have yet to learn the ways of the world.  My daughter is 5 years old.  She has NEVER ran into the street (at least to my  memory).  I can with 100 percent certainty tell you, she has never been a half second away from being hit by a vehicle. I know for sure because I have never been in this reflective state before regarding my child's safety.  Here is how it unfolded.  We arrived at the park to enjoy the last bits of the warm winter sun for the day.  The girls climbed out of one side of the vehicle and were standing outside together waiting to walk to the park (in front of us.) Typically if they are outside of the car before I get out, I tell them, "stay by the car" or "make sure you are touching the car". Today I did not give them this disclaimer. For some reason those words or concern didn't come to mind.  I guess I had my head in other places. I backed into the parking spot so I was facing the other side of the lot and toward the park. The parking lot had very few cars and was not active. I guess that gave me a sense of security and lax of my usual disclaimer.  I took extra seconds trying to figure out which water bottle to carry to the park, put my jacket on, and gather my belongings to walk down to the park.  For some reason  I looked up from my gathering state to see my 5 year old running across said parking lot toward the park.  The inactive parking lot was now being active with a car moving through and all I see is Liv and this car inches from hitting each other. Only the back door is open as I have yet to open my car door.  All I find myself doing is yelling the word "stop" but the sound can only escape from the back door.  I am literally stunned and find myself unable to move.  I didn't even reach for the door to run after her. Looking back at the moment, I couldn't move. I was in shock.  All I could do was yell "stop."  Thankfully she stopped and the car at the last second stopped as well.  I don't think she heard me yelling because as she stopped she turned around and casually said "my tummy hurts".  I'm fairly certain she had NO idea that she was a 1/2 second of getting hit.  I was in tears and shaking.  I looked at Harper who is in a bit of shock too and all she keeps repeating is "everything is ok mom" ..."she is ok." 

Now I know that most children their age have no true sense of life or death. (as they shouldn't)  They do not have the concept and have not been a witness to the "what if" scenarios.  I, on the other hand, have seen those kids in the ICU with their parents and siblings looking over them with fear and guilt.  Feelings that they did not keep their kids safe.  I understand that those parents, myself included, are not to be blamed.  Things happen.  Accidents happen. We are imperfect humans and make mistakes.  The thing is, some mistakes are really traumatic and sometimes deadly.  As a parent we feel our number one job is to keep our kids safe.  I kept replaying in my mind  "where was the disclaimer today, Kandra?" "why were you not on point?"  I took a few minutes to gather myself and proceeded to take my girls to enjoy some time at the park. Although all I really wanted to do was leave.  I took lots of deep breaths and attempted to enjoy the moments with them. And I did.  I watched intently on their swinging, cuddled Liv because her tummy did indeed hurt, and chased Harper around.  I enjoyed those moments and was "present."

As we are ending our park time, we are approaching the car again.  We begin to talk about the incident and Liv is in tears as she feels terrible for running into the parking lot.   She knows better than to run into the street but kids make mistakes.  I was not mad at her, I was mad at myself.  I found myself seeing the flashes of kids whom I have worked with and was in tears again.  It was so close.  It was TOO close. I gather myself AGAIN, and take time to talk through the moment with her and explain intently of why it is so important to be with an adult when crossing the street.

I feel the need to share this story with you because us humans...we are flawed.  We are imperfect.  We try our hardest and our best to show up, to protect, to teach, to grow.  Sometimes we fall short and those shortcomings are all a part of our learning and growing.  This situation gave me more insight to the distractions of my brain.  There are sometimes when my body and brain go into auto pilot and I'm not fully checked into the current situation.   Those distractions can be costly and I want to be more mindful about being "checked in" and present.  I am thankful that this teachable moment for me & her was not at the expense of a really bad situation.  It was WAY too close friends...way too close.