Doin the things

One year ago "ish" (March 3rd 2015), I decided it was time to focus my energy of being better to my body and mind.  Honestly, I was tired of feeling tired and having heartburn.  The amount of weight on my body was causing me to feel physically HORRIBLE.  I started this because I seriously just didn't feel good.  I have never been one to really reject how I look.  I have been blessed to have the confidence to feel good in my own skin.  I found a way to rock the "bigger girl look." Of course I always had the feeling that I wanted to be thinner, to not have the double chin, and to not wear wide calf boots.   I knew that eating healthy and working out were the tickets to a healthy body and mind.  We all know this.  What is hard is to carve time and dedication in this life to such a lifestyle.  One year ago it was time to do the things.

 I first started by doing weight watchers.  I downloaded the app and started "counting points."  I figured out the system and stuck to the program. I started to slowly feel better as I was fueling my body with the foods it needed to have energy.  About a month in I was sitting on the porch with my dear friend Amy.  She suggested we start doing the "couch to 5K app."  I told her ABSOLUTELY NOT.  (and other choice profanity words;) I told her "Girl you know I don't run."  I have always been an athlete but I hate to run.  She did what Amy does and somehow she convinced me to do this running business with her.  So WE did it.  We started running.  One of the worst things I can think of doing in this life.  I see runners on the street and I am mesmerized by how they do it as I have NEVER wanted to run.  But we did.  We ran... or so thats whats its called.  It was more like my heavy body slamming my feet into the pavement and being completely out of breath..feeling like I was dying.. EVERY TIME. Amy was right beside me cheering me on the entire time.Thankful for this human on so many levels. So... we did that running thing for a month or two.  Then, she decided to move to another town. Again, choice profanity words for leaving me. I was left to continue this thing that I hated... ON MY OWN.  Although I freakin hated it, it made me feel good.  Weird.  So I kept doing it by myself.  Then one day as I was running I started having shooting pain in my foot.  WHAT?!  I don't run so this was new to me.  I had a self/friend diagnosed stress fracture on my right foot.  I decided to table the running gig. Thank god for a stress fracture:)

Thankfully, my working out motivation was still high at this point.  I had endorphins.  I was losing weight. Working out made me feel so good. So I found the next thing to do to keep doing the things on this quest. This was during the summertime (2015) so I decided to ride my bike every night after I put the kids to bed. I would hop on the bike and ride.  This was completely liberating and meditative. Those nights I dedicated this time to myself and it felt so incredibly powerful.  I also signed up to mow our lawn because I could earn weight watchers points by doing that. The more points I earned the more I could eat & drink.  Bonus all around. On the weekends I would walk the lake and paddle boat with the kids. I felt so good moving my body so I had the mindset that any kind of movement was worth it.  I kept doin the things.

The next life event that caused change was we moved.  We were no longer near the bike trail and the season changed to fall so the nights came earlier. It was less convenient to do my nightly routine.  I took a few weeks off from working out but then I realized I was missing something in my life. I was still doing the weight watchers app and losing weight but that high you get from working out was not there.  Oh lord, I am starting to sound like a fitness addict;)  I needed a plan, so I went to the local library and checked out a couple work out videos.  The first one I did for a month was Jazzercise.  This was HILARIOUS.  It was a 1990's Jazzercise video.  If you have ever done Jazzercise, you will know what I'm talking about.  HILARIOUS!!  It wasn't too complicated and got me in the mind set of doing work out videos.  At that same time, I also checked out Jillian Michael's "no more trouble zones"  One night I decided to try this one out.  It was HARD.  Like the running gig.  I couldn't do all the moves and was yelling obscenities at Jillian as she so blissfully tried to motivate me.  One day I was doing this video with the girls in the room.  Harper says "mom why are those girls smiling and you are not?"  Out of breath, completely exhausted, and slightly yelling at Harper I say... "because mom can't do the moves yet!" :)  But afterward I felt so good and therefore I pep talked myself  to do this video nightly.  This brings me up to date.  I have been doing the Jillian 30 day shred for the past couple months along with my Weight Watchers App.  I have lost 64 lbs to date and more importantly my body and mind feel better.  That was the original goal and that goal is being met by choosing the foods that fuel my body and taking 20 minutes a night with Jillian to focus on strengthening my body, stretchimg, and giving my mind endorphins. 

Friends, I started this quest at 233 pounds.  Yes... 233 pounds.  I have lost the weight of my 7 year old child.  I picked her up today and about fell over.  I share all of this with you for a few reasons.  We belong to each other.  We learn from each other.  It's a process and journey not a destination.  This quest is life long and I continue to live one day at a time.  I allow for human error but continue to focus on living a peaceful balanced life.  The weight is just one piece of the puzzle and I'm so thankful that one year ago today I decided it was time.  I feel so blessed to have a tribe of humans who support me daily on this quest and in this life. With the right mindset I can do anything I set my mind to.  What a powerful feeling.

Keep on keepin on,
Kan

Way too close...

Well hello there blog world.  It has been a little over 2 years  since I have written a blog post.  I started this blog when I found out I was pregnant with Harper (encouraged by my California friends) and blogged consecutively for 5 years.  Phew..that was a long time.  I stepped away from writing and will share another time why that happened.  I have been feeling the itch to write again lately and it took me until this past Sunday to feel the absolute need to write things down about the events that unfolded.  I could easily write them in a journal for only my eyes, but I feel the need to share with you.  I share this story and myself with you because I am a firm believer that we belong to each other and with that comes learning and growing through our stories.  I learn from you and I hope that you do the same through me.

Sunday evening an event happened that was horrific.  The kind of thing that happens and it punches you in your gut leaving you standing there winded and unable to breathe.  The kind of thing that happened and left me sick to my stomach for hours going down the dreaded path of "what if." The kind of thing that happens where you realize seconds matter. Freakin seconds matter.  I get to share a happy outcome and for that I am extremely grateful.  I know there are a lot of other people in this world who are aching and grieving from similar situations and I take time to pray for those children & their families. I can't even imagine.

At 5pm on Sunday, my little Livy Jade was inches & a half second away from getting hit by a car.  I understand that kids run into the street because they are unaware of their surroundings and have yet to learn the ways of the world.  My daughter is 5 years old.  She has NEVER ran into the street (at least to my  memory).  I can with 100 percent certainty tell you, she has never been a half second away from being hit by a vehicle. I know for sure because I have never been in this reflective state before regarding my child's safety.  Here is how it unfolded.  We arrived at the park to enjoy the last bits of the warm winter sun for the day.  The girls climbed out of one side of the vehicle and were standing outside together waiting to walk to the park (in front of us.) Typically if they are outside of the car before I get out, I tell them, "stay by the car" or "make sure you are touching the car". Today I did not give them this disclaimer. For some reason those words or concern didn't come to mind.  I guess I had my head in other places. I backed into the parking spot so I was facing the other side of the lot and toward the park. The parking lot had very few cars and was not active. I guess that gave me a sense of security and lax of my usual disclaimer.  I took extra seconds trying to figure out which water bottle to carry to the park, put my jacket on, and gather my belongings to walk down to the park.  For some reason  I looked up from my gathering state to see my 5 year old running across said parking lot toward the park.  The inactive parking lot was now being active with a car moving through and all I see is Liv and this car inches from hitting each other. Only the back door is open as I have yet to open my car door.  All I find myself doing is yelling the word "stop" but the sound can only escape from the back door.  I am literally stunned and find myself unable to move.  I didn't even reach for the door to run after her. Looking back at the moment, I couldn't move. I was in shock.  All I could do was yell "stop."  Thankfully she stopped and the car at the last second stopped as well.  I don't think she heard me yelling because as she stopped she turned around and casually said "my tummy hurts".  I'm fairly certain she had NO idea that she was a 1/2 second of getting hit.  I was in tears and shaking.  I looked at Harper who is in a bit of shock too and all she keeps repeating is "everything is ok mom" ..."she is ok." 

Now I know that most children their age have no true sense of life or death. (as they shouldn't)  They do not have the concept and have not been a witness to the "what if" scenarios.  I, on the other hand, have seen those kids in the ICU with their parents and siblings looking over them with fear and guilt.  Feelings that they did not keep their kids safe.  I understand that those parents, myself included, are not to be blamed.  Things happen.  Accidents happen. We are imperfect humans and make mistakes.  The thing is, some mistakes are really traumatic and sometimes deadly.  As a parent we feel our number one job is to keep our kids safe.  I kept replaying in my mind  "where was the disclaimer today, Kandra?" "why were you not on point?"  I took a few minutes to gather myself and proceeded to take my girls to enjoy some time at the park. Although all I really wanted to do was leave.  I took lots of deep breaths and attempted to enjoy the moments with them. And I did.  I watched intently on their swinging, cuddled Liv because her tummy did indeed hurt, and chased Harper around.  I enjoyed those moments and was "present."

As we are ending our park time, we are approaching the car again.  We begin to talk about the incident and Liv is in tears as she feels terrible for running into the parking lot.   She knows better than to run into the street but kids make mistakes.  I was not mad at her, I was mad at myself.  I found myself seeing the flashes of kids whom I have worked with and was in tears again.  It was so close.  It was TOO close. I gather myself AGAIN, and take time to talk through the moment with her and explain intently of why it is so important to be with an adult when crossing the street.

I feel the need to share this story with you because us humans...we are flawed.  We are imperfect.  We try our hardest and our best to show up, to protect, to teach, to grow.  Sometimes we fall short and those shortcomings are all a part of our learning and growing.  This situation gave me more insight to the distractions of my brain.  There are sometimes when my body and brain go into auto pilot and I'm not fully checked into the current situation.   Those distractions can be costly and I want to be more mindful about being "checked in" and present.  I am thankful that this teachable moment for me & her was not at the expense of a really bad situation.  It was WAY too close friends...way too close.

Eraser collection

 Liv pretend eating the fudge pop eraser:)

My mom gave me my eraser collection that has been stored at her house since I was a kid.  I was ecstatic to be reunited with this collection.  The smell, the bright colors, and all the memories that flooded my body when I opened that storage container.  I showed the girls and they were just as jazzed to play with my collection.  Yeah for good memories and sharing them with my kiddos! 

spontaneous & live music

Lee Dewyze

Musicians on stage with Lee

 Serena Ryder

2 of my favorite things are being spontaneous and live music.  My friend Derek invited Teaf and I (on a work night) to go see one of his favorite musicians Serena Ryder at a small venue in Omaha.  Teaf doesn't stay up late on work nights so he was for sure out.  I was on the fence because I had never heard of her and therefore didn't know if I should stay out late too and make the sacrifice;)  I then saw one of my favorite musicians was coming to Omaha and it turned out he was "opening" for Derek's favorites and it was a done deal.  I rallied the troops (my sister & Jaime-as they are big fans of Lee Dewyze too) and it was a BLAST!  Serena Ryder turned out to be just as awesome as Lee Dewyze and now is my new favorite!!! 

Grandpa's Birthday

My dad's birthday was in August!  WOW.. time sure does have wings this year.  We spent the weekend at the lake enjoying each other and celebrating my dad! My dad is a family man through and through.  He unconditionally loves us and takes care of all of us:)  I truly appreciate his wisdom and thoughtfulness.  He genuinely cares about me and takes a great interest in all aspects of my life.  And to top it all off, he is an exceptional grandpa to all our children.  One of the major things that stands out this past year is that he was with my sister and Cade nearly everyday when Cade was in the NICU.  Sure, he has the flexibility with being self-employed, but that didn't mean he HAD to be there.  He chose to be there day in and day out for them and that is incredible.  We love you forever dad and are truly grateful to have you in our lives.  xoxoxo 

My sister moon

I find myself loving those tender moments when I see my 2 daughters helping each other out, playing silly games, and developing a bond that is only between them.  My sister moon has always been that one person in my life who makes me completely relaxed when I am around her.  She understands me at times when I can't even understand myself.  She gives me this humbling perspective about life when I feel like life is crashing down.  She makes me see outside my own thoughts and into others.  She loves my children as if they were her own and helps me become a better parent everyday.  She steps up and expects nothing in return.  She's funny.  She doesn't think she is, but she is funny!  I could go on and go about this woman in my life but the best thing about it is that she is my sister and I am blessed to have her in my life.  I whole heartily cherish every moment with her.  Love you to the moon and back sister!  Thanks for being you! 

Our garden!

It is so much fun having a garden.  We aren't at the lake during the week to "tend" to it so by the weekend there is a lot of work to be done.  Liv especially loves to help in the garden.  Lateaf is the master gardener and I am the helper:)  We had quite a lot of produce this year and it's great to reap the benefits of the hard work. 

Birthday Celebration #2

 Asher:)

On Livia's actual birthday we celebrated in Lincoln at my parents house.  We had a Mickey Mouse themed party with food, cake, and presents.   It was a low key party but Liv loved all the attention and presents:) 

Birthday celebration #1

We are so lucky and blessed to have so many people love and care for us.  Aunt Patti & Uncle Tom had us over to celebrate Liv's 3rd birthday, the week of her birthday.  We had cake, food, and played her new game.  The girls enjoyed some backyard time as well.  A fun time had by all:)